Duuuuumb Bitch: Liposuction

Oh daaaaang…

  1. a technique in cosmetic surgery for removing excess fat from under the skin by suction.
combining form
  1. relating to fat or other lipids.

Mmm k. So let’s talk about Duuuuumb Bitch #3, aka, Duuuuumb Bitch: Liposuction.

So, so… this one time, a long, long time ago, I had a friend. I will not disclose her real name because that would suck, so we’ll just refer to her as #3.

So this friend, #3, we met through a mutual acquaintance (of sorts) and we related quickly. She had a great sense of humor, I have a great sense of humor, she liked to drink, I like to drink, she was smart, I am smart, she liked cats, I love cats, she was educated, I dreamed of being educated, and, most profoundly, I returned, to her, her stolen tent (that’s another story, I dunno when I’ll go there.)

Oh… she thought I was grand for returning her stolen tent to her, such an honest deed! And lemme tell you, I felt honored to be worshipped by someone such as her (Howver, to type that now makes me want to vomit in my mouth).

We continued to connect. We would exercise together, go to bars together, attempt one-night-stands together (no, not with each other, shit-head, ‘nother story, ‘nother time), she would buy gifts for my children, I would buy gifts for her cats and help her decorate her house (that’s my thing), but overall, I would sit there, like a fuckin’ idiot, and let her think she was better than me. I never caught on. Yeah. How’s THAT for a me-duuuuumb bitch??

Ok, so that all might sound haughty and gangsta-like. Like, I wanna fight and blame the world for my dumbness. But no. I was dumb then (‘nother story, ‘nother time) for not seeing through her bullshit (BS) sooner.  So, anyway, here’s the point of the story…

… one day we were both getting ready to go out (to the bar, of all places, of course). We were in my bathroom (my kids were away for their fathers’ weekend) doing our primping. Granted, neither her nor I were big into dressing slutty, but we wanted to be fresh, clean, and ready to conquer. You know, feeling good about how you look gives you confidence… and I was plucking my eyebrows. #3 watched me for a minute and stated, “Girl, I believe in being real, I let mine grow all natural!” No biggie. Her brows were fine “all natural.” My uni-brow would not be fine. We went out and had fun.

A few days or weeks later, we were working out together. We were running up and down her condo stairs, working our gluts and thighs. We were both huffing, puffing, sweating, but only I was swearing. I was always a pace behind her (I knew this is where I should stay, ‘nother story, ‘nother time) and as we were nearing the end of our workout, we were both struggling and our true colors (and profanity) were seeping through. Neither of us minded this, but I couldn’t help but notice how, as we would struggle with taking the stairs two at a time, she would grab her saddle-bags and exclaim, “Uhg! YES! Work it, RIGHT HERE!! RIGHT THERE! R – I – G- H – T      T- H – E – R – E!!” I was too tired, at the time, to care and I barely registered it. However, later? Later (as I visualize her saddle-bags, which were bad, but I’ve seen worse and never have really been judgey about body flaws such as that), I laugh. I laugh at that Duuuuumb Bitch.

She told me, sometime after that workout, that she loves running stairs because it works her saddlebags. She said she strives to build muscle there because that’s right, that’s WHERE SHE HAD LIPOSUCTION w/out skin removal.

Again, no biggie, until a forever friend of mine pointed out the time she scoffed at my plucking of the eyebrows, claiming she was into “all natural”….

WTF, #3… Duuuuumb Bitch! Liposuction? How the fuck is THAT all natural?!?

#ourworldisfucked, #duuuuumbbitch