Robot. Oh… Robot.

Robot. Oh… Robot.

In this house, we are all family. And this tiny house is packed.

As of right now, we have the hubby, self, middle off-spring with her hubby and child, youngest off-spring, Auntie Piper (dog), Uncle’s Willard and Walter (orange tabby cats), Auntie Tipsy (bi-polar, orca-cat that is deaf-ish in one ear and runs about with her head at a constant 45 degree angle), Brother Ip (goofy black cat), and Auntie Flower (sweetest, demonic black kitten EVER, and stinky, thus, FLOWER because she’s still learning how to clean her butt properly).

And then…  Robot. Oh, dear, sweet, persistent, oblivious, TYPE A, Robot.

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Dear, dirty, sweet, hardworking Robot…

Robot joined our family in December 2015 and the above pic is actually of our 3rd edition. Original Robot was an off-brand and was a complete bad-ass. Original Robot would vacuum my area rugs, leaving them looking fresh and raised, oh sweet Original. But, all that extra hard work eventually pooped Original Robot out, only after approximately 3 months. Considering I spent $150, I wasn’t too disappointed because my floors were cleaned every day, for three months straight. All I had to do was empty the belly.

Original Robot was a self-proclaimed pesky little brother. OMG. Aside from sucking up random cat toys, socks, dog blankies, and underwear, Original was notorious for traveling into brother’s room (youngest off-spring) and ganking toys…

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Original would also venture into the bathroom and attempt to bully and mount Scale but to no avail. He would only end up stuck, calling for help. And scale? Scale just remained as is, though notifying me that Robot weighed 4.2 lbs…

But then, Original got confused and could not manage any longer. I knew it was time to retire him to the area in the basement, by the litter pool, where nobody cared about thoroughness or timely cleaning… Sadly, Original ended up stuck over top the sump-pump. He was never the same after that incident.

So then I went big, I got Roomba Robotfor a hefty price, complete with bells and whistles, which I don’t completely rely on yet. But I suppose bells and whistles are nice… *shrugs* In any case, Robot 2nd and 3rd edition are equally bad-ass, but in different ways from Original…

New Robot is a supreme sucker. I mean, he picks up all the little dirts, pets hairs, and danders. He collects mine and youngest off-springs ridiculous hair by the globs (like, almost beating out the bathtub drain globs!). And once, (true story!), he even destroyed my homework! When I empty New Robot’s belly, I find toothpicks, hair ties, bobby-pins, receipts, earrings, twist-ties, and many other unidentified debris. Also, New Robot runs around at top speed, man, watch out, and as he passes,  you get fanned with a jet-stream of Robot air. The dude’s a worker.

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Two day’s haul. Cringe-worthy, but imagine if Robot weren’t employed at all? Omg, the endless work I would have to do!

Enter Auntie Piper, a black lab mutt-mix. She’s an amazing doggie, smart and super trainable, but a doggie at that. And before she was a doggie, she was a puppy. You know what that means… poopies, pee-pees in and at all the inappropriate times and places. Not a biggie, because with mostly bare, wood floors, it was an easy fix.

Until…

… you know where I’m going with this. And YES, it happened to me. It’s not just that story you read on FB that’s been shared a billion times and the poster/sharer is not even acquainted with the Robot-Poop victim…

But it happens for real. Robot is diligent and does his job and runs over everything in his path. Including fresh dog shit. Fresh, smearable, retchingly awful smelling, dog shit.

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Omygawsh.

The poop smears where indescribable. So indescribable, I didn’t even think to take pics, so you need to just trust me. I simply tossed Auntie Piper outside in her “punishment” pen (all of which she used only twice because she’s such a good girl) and I started to cry and gag and retch. Robot found the poop in my then spare room and dragged it EVERYWHERE! Poop was smeared on end-table legs, floorboard trims, sofa legs, footstool legs, scratching posts, nursing books, throw rugs, and just the WHOLE DAMN FLOOR IN GENERAL!! I was mortified, but what was really bad? The poop had dried because Robot had met the poop in the night, while we were sleeping, and upon waking, I discovered it by means of smell… following my nose and my dog (who was acting guilty about something).  I wanted to have a melt-down but whatever steel-reserve (not the drink!) I had prevented me from escape. I had to deal. Yeah. I had to stop crying and shut up and deal.

After the floor and other smeared items were cleaned, I tackled Robot. Lemme just say, I called Roombaand begged for a replacement, of which they honored, even though initially they said that they wouldn’t. After I said to them, “would they have preferred I lied?”, did they agree to send me a new Robot.

Roomba Robot, regardless of how bad-ass, cannot survive dog shit without losing his mind. And there is really, ALMOST REALLY nothing worse at 0600 than a robot spewing forth a fanned stink of damp dog shit.

So help me!