I could totally dig being a Handmaid…

...
But wait! Life, according to Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale would likely be way too constrictive for a sort such as I.

But, let's pretend for a moment...

While I watch the show (which I have done many times because I deem it as absolutely fantastic!), I think, DAAAAAANG, what beautiful gardens the Handmaids have to hover about within, and what beautiful homes they have to float through (Especially Ofwarren), and OHMYGOODNESS, what simple BLACK & WHITE rules they have to follow!!

Handmaids wear the kewlest hooded, flowing cloaks and I simply LOVE their frumpy, hardy, Ugg-style brown boots. They do not have to style their hair, nope, they only need to pull on the simple, white, conservative cap and call it good. No makeup (allowed) and no fashion sense to prove. Nope. Just follow the law.

Additionally, those pampered Handmaids do not have to cook, only do some simple shopping while they keep their bodies aired and healthy,  and they are not required to do housework. They only HAVE to have sex once a month, you know, during the "fertile time." They do not have a choice, this is what they have been chosen to do for they are scientifically and biologically equipped to reproduce. THEREFORE, THEY MUST.

However, really, enduring the act once a month with a big-wig bloke of the new, dystopic society? Not so bad... I suppose. I mean, there are rules and certain expectations so there would not be any unexpected surprises of intimacy. I could shut myself off for that period of time, no problem. Bare children and hand them over to the bloke and his barren wife to raise while being held around to nurse the baby and grow it strong with the fruits of my body? Sure thing! The child would be cared for and treated well, this I would know, especially if it conformed to the many dystopic rules of society. A safe life it would be for the babies I produced...

Sure, me as a Handmaid, I would be denied love and friendship, at least on a soulful level. I would walk with my partner Handmaid during shopping outings and I would socialize superficially with the Martha of the house (while I watched her bake the bread and prepare my breakfast, or fetch my monthly napkins...), and I would answer and agree to all that the Wife and the Commander asked of me. Simple. Black & White. So clear. Like accounting or math.

Perhaps the family would have a dog or cat that I could bond with, I could dig that!

Who needs love? I wouldn't need romance or fulfillment of desires or camaraderie. I would be just fine! Especially if I were to be a Handmaid in my current frame of mind... all mature and shit, right?

Perhaps the family would have a dog or cat that I could bond with, I do not believe that there are rules against Handmaids bonding with animals. I could dig that! I always love me a canine and feline to pet and talk to!

And the luxurious baths on Ceremony days? Oh yes! Soaking and shaving! Imagine having a bath like that be mandatory? Yes. I could soak, relax, and read...

Errrrrrrrrrrtttttt! *rolls eyes*

Silly me. Handmaids are not allowed to read, nor are Marthas or Wives. Females are NOT ALLOWED TO READ. They are not allowed to write. If they are caught doing so, off with a finger or something that will not interfere with their assigned duties. Off with it! No more reading or writing for you, you inept female!

Ohmygoodness! Imagine a world without reading or writing? Especially for the likes of me? In my day, I was fertile, I would have grown many babies but only if the Commander TOO was fertile. Ohmygoodness! Most of the Commanders are sterile in the Handmaid's dystopic world, but who is blamed, punished and sent to the Colonies for the non-production of babies?

That's right.

The Handmaid.

Daaaaang.

So there I'd be, soaking in my luxury bath on Ceremony Day, with no bubbles, candles, wine, or books. I would be soaking and contemplating my future and eventual death because it is likely that my Commander is sterile. The wife would soon be angry that I had not yet conceived and would usher me off to the Colonies for toxic and poisonous servitude until I died.

Ok, NO, I couldn't really dig being a Handmaid.

Maybe if I were allowed to read, or blog, or be guaranteed that the female children I produced would be allowed the same and would NEVER be in danger of losing an appendage for committing an atrocity (like reading or speaking her mind)... maybe then I would enjoy the simplicity of dystopic law, the beautiful gardens, and homes of my sterile Commander and his barren, pious wife... And the dog or cat... hopefully, there would be that, too. I might be able to be a Handmaid then until I died in the Colonies because realistically?

At this point in the game, I am Martha material. Ugh. I would be doomed to cook and clean until I died, but only after being shipped to the Colonies for sucking at cooking.

Oh modern society, let's not go dystopic.

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