My remaining ovary has gone rogue.

Oh… how sad it is. I hang my head in grief and humiliation.

Seriously, I am not THAT old, but things are happening, the very things that I never imagined would apply to me.

Not such a big deal, now that I am here… I still feel valuable and valued and I am managing to swallow the lump in my throat… you know, that lump of realization that youth and outward beauty has decreased... Yeah, THAT lump. Regardless, I am handling this all better than I thought I would.

Do not get me wrong, it is not altogether pleasant, by any means.

So here I sit with this aging body. I know that I must approach certain things differently than I once used to. For example, stooping and/or deep bending at the knees. Shockingly, as of lately, I notice that once I am down, I cannot get back up in reverse; my knees have lost their torque. I find myself, embarrassingly, scrambling in such a way that only a chubby, middle-aged woman would do, to regain full height. Granted, I am certain that I could remedy this problem with simple weight loss and strength training, but… I will procrastinate until after I finish my nursing program. That is my new thing and my list is growing.

Anyway.

Another horror that I have stumbled upon are dark vinyl, pattern-less, sitting chairs. Do you have any idea what this means? It means that upon standing up from chairs such as this, I must check for butt and poot splotch. YEAH. I WENT THERE. My rogue-ass ovary has initiated overheating in my derriere and down-under region and I am pissed about it… Now I must constantly avoid certain sitting arrangements and if I cannot avoid sitting, then I must strategically raise with a butt-sliding motion to wipe the evidence of splotchy, female aging from the seat.

My rogue-ass ovary has initiated overheating in my derriere and down-under region and I am pissed about it…

MORTIFYING, MORTIFYING, MORTIFYING, especially when I forget the maneuver upon rising, OR if the maneuver fails altogether. I mean, how gross is it to see somebody’s butt and poot splotch?!? Who wants to sit there after THAT? *Sigh* And this whole mortification is based on my own witness account… Lemme tell you about it.

One day, long ago, when I was young and rarely humiliated by my youthful body (only by the occasional stomach growl or noisy escape of gas), I was working on a birthing unit as a floor clerk. The nurse’s station was set up galley style, with desks running up and down each side, connected by doctor’s dictation stations at one end, and central, fetal monitoring on the other. The clerk’s station was set up opposite the charge nurse’s desk and often the clerk and charge would push back on their roll-y, dark vinyl covered chairs and bump one another, back to back. Not a big deal, it was a normal occurrence. Well, on this one particular early morning, the floor was hoppin’ and babies were coming out of their mother’s left and right and the charge nurse had to take a patient until the day nurses arrived.

Bless her heart, this charge nurse, the woman of whom I sat back to back to and was in awe of her strength, knowledge, wisdom, and beauty… she was busy running to and fro, up and down from that awful, dark vinyl-covered chair. At one point, she hopped up to assist a patient and her chair slid next to where I was sitting, and that’s when I saw it: Butt and poot splotch. Honestly, I was so busy myself, I did not think anything of it until I heard the nurses to my left twittering and snickering and pointing at the chair. I made eye contact with the twitterers and snickerers and delivered to them an exaggerated cringe while I pushed the chair back to the charge’s station. I went back to my phone call, but I caught random snippets of their conversation and witnessed those nurses sharing the event with other nurses, all of whom acted cringe-y, just as I had. But most sadly? I never looked at the charge nurse the same, ever again. After bearing witness to her butt and poot splotch, I decided that she was the grossest woman EVER. *shakes head*

Pffft. Until now, of course. And DAMN how life comes back full circle and rubs our noses in all that we have once mocked!

And DAMN how life comes back full circle and rubs our noses in all that we have once mocked!

This new phenomenon has nearly destroyed me because I have always been a body perfectionist, especially in regard to cleanliness and female freshness. Like, I religiously wipe front to back, wash the poot daily with mild soap and rinse with a detachable shower head. A detachable shower head is mandatory for proper hygiene practices, I mean, how can a poot get clean and rinsed from a damn stationary shower head? That’s yeast, UTI, and bacterial vaginosis inbound STAT, like, right about the corner.… The oven must be carefully maintained and wrapped only in breathable cotton, not any of that nylon and silk (not even cotton lined!) sexy shit that men think is so great. No way, only the most natural for poot because stinky and itchy is NOT ACCEPTABLE. No excuses! That is how a female must roll. We must roll with clean and fresh butts and poots, always.

But. BUT. All the hygiene in the world will not stop that damn ovary from humiliating me with butt and poot splotch.

*Tears* here, peeps, mortified, shocked, embarrassed *tears*

And how many times has a young mind and body bared witness to my splotch? What must they think of me? What should I do about this, other than ingest herbals to combat overheating?

I feel like I should wear a sign (not really, C'mon, peeps), a sign that calls it out, like, “Hey! Please don’t acknowledge my splotch with disgust and disdain for what you think I MUST be, but instead, acknowledge the splotch for what it is and feel sorry for me. ‘Cause I’m not nasty or dirty… I’m just overheating, and my last ovary is serving endless Karma on a platter!” I like the idea of such directness, but, of course, it’s not so realistic...

I could always sit on a towel, I have seen that done many times by other splotch-suffering women. Or. Maybe they’re protecting themselves from the filth of the seat because they’ve spotted my splotch at some point?!?

I don’t even know what to do!

Perhaps I could start a movement or support group or something. Yes, because the youth with un-embarrassing bodies need to understand that… ultimately, us oldies are mortified, betrayed, embarrassed, and apologetic for the behavior of our bodies.

Please don’t disvalue us, because one day, if you’re lucky, you will BE us…

 

My House Smells Like CAT PISS!

Oh please, powers to be, let me deal!

So I love my cats, oh yes, and even my damn dawg, and I can tolerate the insurmountable globs of animal hair (thanks to Robot and his undying floor cleaning commitment) all over my house. I can deal with daily, early morning, on the dot, operation-feline-starvation-notifications, I can deal with stolen hair-ties and random “gifts” dropped on my side of the bed. 

I can even deal with the dawg escaping to the basement to eat cat poop. I can tolerate picking up dawg poop in the yard. I can deal with dawg pee dead spots in my grass and shredded hostas along the back side of the house. I can deal with taking the stinky dawg to the groomer and wiping her paws off before she comes inside on a rainy day. I can deal with the dawg rolling in a splotch of dead grass (from dawg pee) and demolishing her fresh groom.

Oh yes. I can even deal with sticky tape on door frames, wall corners, furniture edges, and backs of barstools to deter feline claw-markings (leaving wonderful goo-tracks when peeled off, yes, I can even deal with that). I can deal with stepping in cat vomit and promptly calling the dawg to clean up the squished mess (she loves cat vomit, it’s one of her favorites). I can even deal with dawg vomit, of which the cats will not clean up and neither will the dawg.

I can deal with laying out puppy wee-pads for the cat that has a litter aversion, likely due to a flubbed declawing (before we rescued him, many littler experiments before we concluded what his issue was) so that he can go potty. 

I can deal with flea treatments, even the ones that go wrong, ending with a cat slicing open my artery, licking the flea medication, and frothing at the mouth like Cujo and running about possessed for approximately five minutes. I can deal with the cats eating the dawg’s food, promptly booting the dawg out of the way and then promptly puking the food up (win, win, I guess, the dawg still gets her food!). I can deal with never being alone in my bed or the bathroom for the sake of ensuring that the cat is able to monitor the proper use of their bed and shower.

Ohmygawsh. I can deal with so much when it comes to loved ones, especially my furry loved ones because they’re faultless. I can deal with not being able to walk away from my plate of food without it being licked by a cat or snagged by a dawg (the dawg is getting better about this as she matures, her manners are evolving, see Auntie Piper & the Tortilla). I can deal with the dawg being scared of the lollipop-girl on a scooter, the garbage truck, the vacuum, the broom, plastic bags, the pooper scooper, and the swiffer. I can deal with rushing to shut the back or front door before an entitled feline strolls over the threshold to escape among the world of birds, rabbits, squirrels, and scary cat-haters. 

I can even deal with people wrinkling their nose when I tell them I have FIVE cats.

I can deal with dawg and cat zoomies and cat explorations that result in decor on the floor and in the baby’s mouth. I can deal with the dawg chewing Blankie and when trying to poop, Blankie parts are hanging from her damn dawg butt and hubby has to help by pulling it out (but I’m not sexist! ). I can deal with finding Christmas tree tinsel in the cat poop and hanging my plants where the cats cannot eat them. I can deal with snags in my curtains because young cats assume they are for climbing… and for access to the hanging plant.

I can also deal with endless vacuuming of furniture and rugs, as well as endless washing of throw blankets (which makes for less furniture vacuuming). I can deal with endless dawg stares while I eat ANYTHING and the ghostly and creepy appearance of the old man cat whenever I handle any form of shredded cheese. 

I can deal with the constant feline body forcing its way onto my computer keyboard, textbook, or notebook. Oh, and I can deal with drinking morning coffee and wearing some of it down my front as a result of a feline “pay attention to me” head bump to my mug. I can deal with having to wipe my kitchen counters before using them (because I’m not about to put sticky tape up there, too) and washing the kitchen table off before eating at it (on the rare occasion that we DO eat there). 

Additionally, I can even deal with the humiliation of a late night trip to the bathroom, stooping to pet a kitty, only to discover it’s a slipper or a pile of clothes that are somewhere they shouldn’t be.

Yeah, I can deal with that, even when I flip on the light to discover the mocking stares of the lounging cats of which I thought I might be petting.

Omygawsh, shamefully, I can deal with watching a nurse (that was sent by my insurance company to assess and draw blood before I got approval for a life insurance policy) sit at my kitchen table and leave with old man cat hair on the butt of her black scrub pants (the horror, especially when you consider yourself above the standard cat owner). What’s even worse is that hubby noticed it, too, and neither one of us told her! ?

And… I can deal with my allergies to both cats and dawgs. I can deal, I take a daily allergy tab and keep up on dusting and vacuuming. Good enough *shrugs*

Yeah, yeah, I can deal with all of this. But, if you haven’t already guessed…

…I CANNOT deal with the smell of cat piss in my home. No. Way.

Nope. Not gonna honor that stereotype. Not gonna be that stinky lady in the store or the lady that co-workers secretly unify together in being grossed out over (likely already occurring because that’s right, I have five flipping cats!). Naw. 

Gonna conquer that smell and discover where it is coming from and eliminate it…

**UPDATE**

Totally discovered where the cat piss smell was coming from! In the basement, among scattered stacks of boxes, a secret, pooping and pissing field upon something fabric. Solution? Organize the scattered stacks, ensuring that there are not any hiding-holes left for old man cat to rejoice in contaminating. Also, pick up anything plastic bag or fabric like (except wee-pads). 

Oh, and gobs of scrubbing with bleach, floor cleaner, and vinegar. 

Done. Hopefully stinking cat lady stereotype is averted, for now.