I had too… I just HAD TO DO IT…

I changed the slang of my duuuuumb “whatever it was” to duuuuumb bleep.

I have given in, once again, to the stuffy constraints of society. *sigh* In order to be “accepted,” I must watch my mouth. For crying out loud.

I love profanity. Not always, there’s a time and a place, of course, but profanity expresses verbally that of which should not be expressed physically.

Ugh. I wish the world were a better place.

‘Nuff said, I guess.

Duuuuumb Bitch: Oblivious

Duuuuumb Bitch #4, Oblivious has arrived!

It all started with Duuuuumb Bitch #3, whom you can read about in Liposuction. In any case, I was hanging out with #3, as was our usual happy hour routine on Fridays after work (on weekends, of course, that I did not have my kids because we've already established that my off-weekends were my party weekends). We were sitting at a local sports bar enjoying happy hour and reflecting with one another about our weeks. We were looking forward to the evening and prospects of adventure once The Back Door opened (It used to be a real place, no joke).

In any case, a couple of friends that I worked with eventually joined us. I introduced them to #3... we'll call them Phil and Gary, for the purposes of this post and their anonymity. Phil was (still is, I am assuming) likely, gay (regardless of a peculiar obsession he had with a fellow female coworker) and as far as I knew then, Gary was straight. Both of these dudes were fun dudes to work with, sharing the same sort of cynical outlook on life that I do, and smearing everything with a dry layer of sarcasm. These dudes were pretty good friends with one another, as well, though I never did know their exact dynamics. But anyway, I knew #3 and these guys would hit it off because they were all older aged college students and were into that world, which was so foreign and unobtainable to me (still) at that point in my life.

I was right, of course. All "college" students, as I well know now, have common ground and can easily fall into smooth dialogue. I was slightly apprehensive because I did not want #3 to pass too much judgment on Phil for his underarm body odor (BO). I don't know what his deal was because every inch of his body surface was groomed and plucked and shaved, smooth as baby skin, but he reeked of onions, all of the time! And though this is irrelevant, he also had one of those body shapes where his head and super long neck were all one piece, like, the uppermost part of his neck simply had a face with hair. His neck, distally (assuming the head is proximal), gave way to funky sloped shoulders that went at an almost - 45-degree angle. Am I painting a visual here?? Like... an upside -down-funnel! He wasn't blessed in looks, I guess, but there were plenty worse, that's for sure (there is sooo much more to Phil, 'nother post, 'nother day). But anyway...

Gary, on the other hand, aside from being too petite and blonde for my taste, was an ok looking and smelling guy. I wondered if he and #3 might hit it off... It seemed that they were all three conversing well, so I daydreamed and smoked Camel Jades and sucked on a Bud-Light.

At some point, I was dragged into the conversation by both Phil and Gary, simultaneously. I remember them both, sitting together across the table from me, looking at me, then at #3, incredulous. They were asking me (both talking at the same time, but the message came across, primarily from Phil),
"Grace, did you hear what she said?"

"No, no," I remember saying perking up and leaning forward, figuring we were about to enter some GREAT camaraderie gossip. "What did she say... What did you say, #3?" I asked turning to her and after reading her face, I knew that she was uncomfortable with where the conversation was going. Phil or Gary, not sure which one, finally exclaimed, "Grace, she just sat there and talked about how great you are and that she is surprised at how smart you are for being un-educated."

There was a pause. Phil and Gary were looking to me with expectancy and #3 was distant, having closed herself off completely. I sat silent, reading everybody for a few more moments. And then I shrugged at the guys, "So?" I said. "I am smart, yeah, she tells me all the time how ---"

"-- Grace! Seriously?" This from Phil. "Do you NOT SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING? She's only hanging with you because she feels superior and "bigger" and more educated, which bloats her even more in her own mind, especially in comparison to you! She's weak and can only be with those that she considers less than herself!"

By this time, #3 was defending herself and denying Phil's claims, of course, while I sat numbly listening to it all go down. I still didn't see the big deal, I knew I was smart, just as I knew I was "uneducated." The point was moot to me. But what Phil said... I began to consider his point of view for a moment, while I remained disengaged from the battle that was occurring between the trio. The thought was ridiculous to me. I could not fathom how #3 would need to hang with someone that she considered "less" than herself, and choosing me as that person. I could not fathom that she needed to feel needed and admired, so, therefore, chose me to practice her inadequacies on. It made absolutely so sense to me. I did not view myself as "less than" in any such way. Therefore, at that moment, I pushed the thoughts aside, because I was such a duuuuumb bitch that I could not comprehend people actively existing on a level of need such as that of which Phil had placed on #3.

Yes, I'm duuuuumb bitch #4 here! Though I did not know it at the time, I had learned a valuable lesson that day; I learned that people DO, in fact, pray on their perception of weakness in others. People do this to build themselves or to confirm their own successes, because, for whatever reason, they still doubt themselves. I see this now, plain as stink on shit and, in fact, I can spot it quickly in other relationship dynamics, as well. But at the time of #3, Phil & Gary, the age of my mid-twenties, I was oblivious and naive to the fucked-up'dness of people. I was only beginning to scratch the surface of human dysfunction.

So, in short, I did not take offense to #3 telling people how smart I was for being uneducated because I took the words in their literal sense. I did not consider the source, nor the murky depths, of which the words were coming from. At that time, I could only see the world through my perspective, of which, at that time, was pretty type A or black and white. But on this day, the day of my personal duuuuub bitch thanks to Phil & Gary, I began to grow up and exercise a strength that I never knew I possessed. I'm an excellent judge of character, most times, but I still have to work hard to put myself into certain mindsets to get a clear view. Slowly, after that day, I began to see #3 in a different focus, and, as I recollect, the dynamics did begin to change between us ('nother story, 'nother time). I began to understand that through our fleeting so-called "friendship," #3 HUGELY impacted my life, not because she specifically taught me anything of value, but because of her dysfunction. For that, I am grateful Duuuuumb Bitch #3, because I am a smarter, more probing, person today.

Bam. Never in a billion years would I have thought that #3 had ever really served a functional purpose in my life, but, thanks to my bloggie adventure, I now see that she has. And still, on a certain level, I feel bad about exploiting #3's weakness to reveal my valuable life lessons. But I only feel a little bit bad. So I will move on.

Ok, so go back to the scenario with duuuuumb bitches #3, #4, Phil, and Gary. I want to wrap up that story, because, though I just explained how it affected my life, lemme tell you how that gathering affected #3's life...

So there sit the 3 educated persons, arguing about the passive-aggressive manner in which #3 complimented my brains. I came back to them slowly, and just in time, too, because the #3 was clearly under attack and was fighting back. Phil and Gary, were, in a sense, ganging up on her, but, for whatever reason at that time, even though I did not yet resent her for holding me in a lesser regard than her,  I felt she deserved it. Possibly she had said something deliberately inappropriate to either of them (maybe she insulted Phil's onion scent), but I did not feel compelled to get involved, halt the argument, nor defend #3. The words exchange had turned personal and no longer had anything to with me.

Then, #3 said something along the lines of, "I don't need to continue this argument, I am a professor at blah, blah college. I don't need to stoop to your level. I'm finished." And then. Then Gary said it. He retorted with the come back of all comebacks, and one that dug #3 at every personal level of struggle she'd ever experienced. He said to her, "Well. About that. Blah blah college likely only hired you because they need to maintain a certain level of Hispanic demographic requirements. So yeah, you don't have that job because you deserve it, you have it because you're Mexican."

Ahhhh... the meeting was over. She stormed off to the bathroom crying, and Phil and Gary told me, in between back slaps and giggles, that they had to go now, for their work was done. They would be hanging out with me again in two weeks, but never with her again. And I should reconsider my place in her life. I laughed. I was in awe of what had transpired. How shocking for me to see humans actually express feelings and thoughts through verbal commands. I guess I had not been accustomed to that.

I finished my cigarette and beer and went to the bathroom to console my not-friend.

Omg. It was about a year later, when I gave #3 the friend boot, that I remembered the incident with Phil & Gary on that day and realized their words on a new literal plane... My relationship had drifted with both of them after the incident with #3... and I guess I can see why. I mean, for one, from their perspective, what kind of duuuuumb bitch sits around feeling proud because her "friend" praises her for being "so smart for an uneducated person...." and two... Two: Phil & Gary fueled one another and I was never at ease with the way in which they ganged up on #3, even though she had it coming. Bullying is never ok, though they were good at it and drove a much-deserved point home (Not about her being Hispanic **do not go there, this is not a post about race. Do not go there. We are better than politics**, but about how she was in general). However, I also knew I never wanted to be the receiving end of their point...

Until the day I die, I will be incredulous in the face of human dysfunction, though I am no longer oblivious to it.

So there you have duuuuumb bitch #4.

Duuuuumb Bitch: Liposuction

Oh daaaaang…

lip·o·suc·tion
ˈlipōˌsəkSH(ə)n,ˈlīpōˌsəkSH(ə)n
noun
  1. a technique in cosmetic surgery for removing excess fat from under the skin by suction.
lipo-
combining form
  1. relating to fat or other lipids.
    “liposuction”

Mmm k. So let’s talk about Duuuuumb Bitch #3, aka, Duuuuumb Bitch: Liposuction.

So, so… this one time, a long, long time ago, I had a friend. I will not disclose her real name because that would suck, so we’ll just refer to her as #3.

So this friend, #3, we met through a mutual acquaintance (of sorts) and we related quickly. She had a great sense of humor, I have a great sense of humor, she liked to drink, I like to drink, she was smart, I am smart, she liked cats, I love cats, she was educated, I dreamed of being educated, and, most profoundly, I returned, to her, her stolen tent (that’s another story, I dunno when I’ll go there.)

Oh… she thought I was grand for returning her stolen tent to her, such an honest deed! And lemme tell you, I felt honored to be worshipped by someone such as her (Howver, to type that now makes me want to vomit in my mouth).

We continued to connect. We would exercise together, go to bars together, attempt one-night-stands together (no, not with each other, shit-head, ‘nother story, ‘nother time), she would buy gifts for my children, I would buy gifts for her cats and help her decorate her house (that’s my thing), but overall, I would sit there, like a fuckin’ idiot, and let her think she was better than me. I never caught on. Yeah. How’s THAT for a me-duuuuumb bitch??

Ok, so that all might sound haughty and gangsta-like. Like, I wanna fight and blame the world for my dumbness. But no. I was dumb then (‘nother story, ‘nother time) for not seeing through her bullshit (BS) sooner.  So, anyway, here’s the point of the story…

… one day we were both getting ready to go out (to the bar, of all places, of course). We were in my bathroom (my kids were away for their fathers’ weekend) doing our primping. Granted, neither her nor I were big into dressing slutty, but we wanted to be fresh, clean, and ready to conquer. You know, feeling good about how you look gives you confidence… and I was plucking my eyebrows. #3 watched me for a minute and stated, “Girl, I believe in being real, I let mine grow all natural!” No biggie. Her brows were fine “all natural.” My uni-brow would not be fine. We went out and had fun.

A few days or weeks later, we were working out together. We were running up and down her condo stairs, working our gluts and thighs. We were both huffing, puffing, sweating, but only I was swearing. I was always a pace behind her (I knew this is where I should stay, ‘nother story, ‘nother time) and as we were nearing the end of our workout, we were both struggling and our true colors (and profanity) were seeping through. Neither of us minded this, but I couldn’t help but notice how, as we would struggle with taking the stairs two at a time, she would grab her saddle-bags and exclaim, “Uhg! YES! Work it, RIGHT HERE!! RIGHT THERE! R – I – G- H – T      T- H – E – R – E!!” I was too tired, at the time, to care and I barely registered it. However, later? Later (as I visualize her saddle-bags, which were bad, but I’ve seen worse and never have really been judgey about body flaws such as that), I laugh. I laugh at that Duuuuumb Bitch.

She told me, sometime after that workout, that she loves running stairs because it works her saddlebags. She said she strives to build muscle there because that’s right, that’s WHERE SHE HAD LIPOSUCTION w/out skin removal.

Again, no biggie, until a forever friend of mine pointed out the time she scoffed at my plucking of the eyebrows, claiming she was into “all natural”….

WTF, #3… Duuuuumb Bitch! Liposuction? How the fuck is THAT all natural?!?

#ourworldisfucked, #duuuuumbbitch

 

Duuuuumb Bitch: Spider & Barbie

So, let's start with Duuuuumb Bitch #1, aka, Duuuuumb Bitch & the Spider:

  • Duuuuumb Bitch #1 was talking to me, at a social gathering. We were getting along just fine, in fact, we (at least I was) were finding conversation easy and fruitful. We were chuckling over small-time atrocities (like husbands) and relating on levels that young moms do. Then, hubby came up behind me and smack-picked at my back and said, "Poochie, there was a huge spider on your back! I got it!" I was appalled, of course, because who doesn't suffer on some level from arachnophobia, and exclaimed (probably) with a colorful freak-out of profanity. Duuuuumb Bitch #1 observed this fiasco and then calmly replied to me (us), in between stuffy giggles, "Oh yes! I watched that spider crawl into your hair!" WTF, Duuuuumb Bitch?!? Regardless of what level you are on with a person, wouldn't MOST people take a stand against those that crawl on eight legs??? Needless to say, the evening ended with me paying attention to my husband, which is a rarity. Damn you, Duuuuumb Bitch #1... 

And there's Duuuuumb Bitch #2, aka Duuuuumb Bitch & Barbie:

  • Duuuuumb Bitch #2 and I, waaaay back in late 1970's, early 1980's, were playing Barbies, outside of the trailer I lived in, at the picnic table. She and I would always trade Barbie clothes, which I loved to do with her because she almost always had the better Barbie apparel. This was expected, of course, because her mother could afford a double-wide trailer and a generic Camaro (My mother drove a Buick Skylark). In any case, there we were, trading away. And though we were only 8 and 9 years old, Duuuuumb Bitch #2 would always make Barbie and Ken have sex. Rowdy, loud, ridiculous sex, that made me uncomfortable because I was afraid that the neighbors would hear and figure out what she was making Barbie and Ken do (my Ken and Barbie would only have sex in private). I told her to "Sssshhhh!" indicating my discomfort over people hearing what she was doing. Duuuuumb Bitch #2 stopped slamming Ken and Barbie together and looked at me with her eyes that peered out from beneath her huge, square, forehead. She shrugged and began throwing her dolls into her Barbie case. As she was doing this, she said, "You're so stupid. Even they..." (she indicated the brown with white trimmed single-wide across the street from my house) ..."say you're stupid. They watch you after you get off the bus, look around all secretly before you grab the hidden key from underneath the eaves on your shed.... You do it everyday, and they already know where your key is. They can get into your house anytime they want. They're right; you're so stupid." With that, she sauntered off on her tip-toes (because she always walked that way, which I now associate with a certain degree of A.D.D.) swinging her exquisite Barbie case and disappearing around the front of my white with brown trim single-wide trailer. I felt funny, watching her leave, because what she said was true, I did that, everyday, trying to be James Bondie about getting into my home, but also relieved because she held true to our trade and left the Barbie clothes that we'd exchanged. Funny (but not funny, peculiar) how we simply can not forget certain things... Of course her and I played together again after that, but her sister would always ash her fucking cigarettes into my hair at the bus stop in the mornings. Nobody would tell her to stop. Everybody at the bus stop would laugh and I would stand there... wishing to disappear. I would later shake my hair out, when nobody could see me.  Bus stop bully. I guess the sister could qualify as a Duuuuumb Bitch, but I never bothered to think about her enough. You know... she was so awful, I simply blocked her out. Duuuuumb Bitch.

Duuuuumb Bitch #3: